May9
Fun I’m signs
Category Archives: Emails, eGroups
Apr28
A Matter of Form
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few….I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?”
One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said…, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?”
That’s the last thing I remember…
Apr19
The Kiss
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, ‘I have a question to ask but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me.. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’
‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.’
The nun says, ‘That’s OK.
My name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party.
Apr12
Lawyers
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Mercedes with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Mercedes, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”
“OH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”
(Sent in by Blesssa)
Apr11
FUNERAL EXPENSES
A WOMAN AND HER EVER-NAGGING HUSBAND WENT ON VACATION IN JERUSALEM.
WHILE THEY WERE THERE, THE HUSBAND PASSED AWAY.
THE UNDERTAKER TOLD THE WIFE, “YOU CAN HAVE HIM BURIED HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $150 OR WE CAN HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK STATESIDE FOR $5,000.
THE WIFE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND TOLD THE UNDERTAKER SHE WOULD HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK HOME.
THE UNDERTAKER ASKED HER, “WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $5,000 TO HAVE HIM SHIPPED HOME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BURIAL HERE,
AND IT WOULD ONLY COST $150????”
THE WIFE REPLIED, “LONG AGO, A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE, AND THREE DAYS LATER, HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD. I JUST CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE!”
Feb18
On mobiles, wallets and girl friends
Notice at Church:
Do not leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girl-friends UN-ATTENDED
Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.
Nov23
What am I doing here?
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses…
She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”
She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” she knocked on wood.
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Nov19
Girlfriends’ Dinner
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cuteboy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that could be opened (in case of hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had early bird specials.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Nov14
United Urup
Just received this email from a friend which I thought is funny.
Let me know what you think.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”..
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”..
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
I hop zis mad you smil
.
Oct18
The Great Albert Einstein Stories
(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein’s driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver’s uniform.
Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. “Well, the answer to that question is quite simple,” he casually replied. “I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!”
(2) Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. “Why should I?” he would invariably argue. ” Everyone knows me there.”
When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. “Why should I?” said Einstein. “No one knows me there!”
(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,” he once declared. “Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity!”
(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home.
The driver said “Who does not know Einstein’s address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him?. Einstein replied “I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? “The driver drove him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.
(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said, ‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said, ‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don’t need a ticket. I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said, ‘Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going.’
Oct3
To a loving wife
Funny, but you cannot get an insult worse than this.
Sep16
Careful with that sign
To someone not familiar with signages: No, they don’t give free alcohol in this place. : ))
Aug6
The drunk, hic!
Did you hear about the guy who was in the bar and about as drunk as it’s possible to get? A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, “We brought your husband home”. The wife asks, “Where’s his wheelchair?”
Jun19
ABCDEFG
Learn the alphabet… quick!!! One aunty saw a young couple.
The girl asked the boy: “what’s the meaning of ABCDEFG?”
The boy answered: “A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.”
The aunty felt so sweet and when she got home, she asked her husband: “what do u think of me?”
The husband answered : “ABCDEFGHIJK”
Aunty felt so surprised and asked the husband what it meant.
The husband replied: “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous & Hot!”
Aunty was confused and asked: “what about I, J, K ??? ”
Husband replied: “I’m Just Kidding!”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah!!!
Jun17
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES * If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman . EATING OUT *When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY *A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS * A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS * A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE * A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE * A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP * A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..
NATURAL * Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING * Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Jun16
Why Men Are Never Depressed
Men Are Just Happier People –
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Now, do you wonder why we, men, are happier.
May28
The Lady is Sharp in Banking
86 year old lady’s letter to the bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. ___________________________________
Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it… I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1..
To make an appointment to see me #2.
To query a missing payment. #3.
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4
To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping #5..
To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7.
To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. #8.
To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. #9.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.#10.
This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
May27
Affairs to Remember
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!
‘I’ m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician
Commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.
‘I have something to show
You won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘ stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
She said.
‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
As he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.’
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed..
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked:
‘What’s he doing upstairs
With your wife?’
The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing
To his business down here.’
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying.
His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to,’ his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied.
‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’