DEFINITIONS :

* Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

* Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

* Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

* Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

* Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest Piece.

* Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

* Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

* Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

* Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

* Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

* Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

* Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

* Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

* Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

* Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

* Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

* Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

* Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

* Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

* Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway, “See I am not injured yet.”

* Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

* Father : A banker provided by nature.

* Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

* Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

* Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

* Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

2. I  thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band  pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of  maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

8. Two silk worms had a  race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Two  hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the  other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

11. I wondered why the  baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on  the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep Off the Grass.”

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his  grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of  religion.

17. Don’t join  dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $1,000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You only need one wallet. One color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

  A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide.                                             
                                                                         
 A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week.  An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high,    rare and expensive cactus there.  On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.                                

He finally got his cactus home.  Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres.  One evening while watering his garden  after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray.  He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it  shivered again.                                                          
                                                                        
                                                      
  He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state’s foremost cactus expert  
  who asked him many questions.  How tall is it?  Has it flowered? Etc.    

                                                                           
  Finally he asked the most disturbing question. ‘Is your family in the house?’ The bloke answered yes.  The cactus expert said get out of the  house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes.                                                     

Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner.  A fireman got out and asked ‘Are you the   bloke with the cactus?’ I am, he said.  A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and   mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the   cactus spraying it up and down.                                          

After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens  were well and truly scorched.  Just then the cactus expert appeared and  laid a calming hand on the bloke’s shoulder. ‘What the hell’s going on?’  he says. ‘Let me show you’ says the cactus man.  He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely      
  hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.                                        

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size.  When full size they release themselves.  The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They  had been ready to pop.  The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.         

And here’s what one of the b*stards looks like sitting on a FULL SIZE dinner plate…..   

 

 

 

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.  So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time..

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

But sometimes, I find Gmail’s advanced technology very unnerving, but funnnnny.

Have a look for example at the recent upgrade of Gmail’s mailbox space to 7055 megabytes. That’s a lot I know, but believe you me, there are those who can gobble up that much space.

But not me. But still, Google’s robot is asking if I want to upgrade from my practically zero usage to 7055 megabytes of space.

So what do you think? Should I upgrade to 7055 megabytes? Or should I tell Google’s robot to get lost!

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.

Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.

Jack’s making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones.

King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite videoconferencing.

The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster.

Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.

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As Pope Benedict was giving Pavarotti the last rights he pressed a note into Luciano’s hand and whispered to him “This is the referral you have to give to St Peter when you get to the gates of heaven. Pavarotti duly arrived at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asked “Do you have a referral, because you cannot enter without one?”

“Yes” answered Pavarotti as he hands over the note the Pope had given him St Peter reads it and opens the gate and bids Luciano enter. As he goes through Pavarotti asks St Peter what the note said.

St Peter answers “It says, here’s that Tenor I owe you.”

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An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the woman he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposal.

He began what can only be called a “Campaign” and sent her a token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

The plan was successful too — the young lady fell in love with the delivery man.

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“A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change.” –Jay Leno

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Wife: “What are you doing?” Husband : Nothing.

Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband : “I was just looking for the expiration date.”

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Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”

Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.” Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

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“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” —Jim Bishop

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A true life account of Italian traffic:

We spent hours (seemed like) trying to stay alive while navigating the inner streets in Florence. The streets were a maze with random dead ends and one way bridges off two-way streets and motorcyclists passing on both sides. It seems there was a method to the madness though – we arrived home in New Zealand to find a traffic fine waiting for us.

We couldn’t quite make out the Italian but the photo clearly showed our little rental car driving the wrong way over one of those one-way bridges!

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It had been a very busy night on the maternity ward, with all the rooms full, and staff limited due to a nurse’s strike. In the chaos, a junior staff member helping out for the night had mixed up the identity tags of 3 newborn infants when they were brought into the nursery. As you can imagine, Matron was not happy!

Matron gathered together the 3 bleary eyed fathers (as it happened, a Kiwi, an Aussie, and a Samoan) to explain the situation. She then led the fathers into a room adjoining the nursery to identify their babies.

As soon as the 3 infants were wheeled in, the New Zealand man pounced towards the cots and picked up a very cute baby with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and dark skin, exclaiming loudly “This one’s mine!”.

Matron pulled the Kiwi dad aside and said quietly, “Excuse me sir, but we’re pretty sure this baby belongs to the Petaia family – you see he looks very much to be of Pacific ethnicity”.

To which the kiwi dad answered “Yes, yes, I can see that.

But one of those other two is Australian and I’m just not willing to take the chance.”

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A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts “Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn” (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow s * t.)

The man shouts back, “I’m English, Speak English, I don’t understand you”.

The Scotsman man shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”

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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”

Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”

Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?’”

Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”

Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?

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