May9

The Arrogance of Authority

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The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

“See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

(I just love this part….)

“Your badge, show him your BADGE…….. ! !”

Apr16

The miracle of toilet paper

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The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

“How long will this take?”, I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Apr14

Beware of expensive jewelries

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Beware of expensive jewelries

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, ‘Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.’

Apr8

WAL MART INTERVIEW

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WAL MART INTERVIEW

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer. ‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.

‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,

I had already shit my pants..’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart.

Apr8

The Country Doctor

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The Country Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, ‘I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.’

The older doctor says, ‘Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.

Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does thetrick?’

As they left, the younger man said, ‘You didn’t even examine that woman?

How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?’ ‘

I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?

When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.

That was what probably was making her sick.’

‘Huh,’ the younger doctor said. ‘Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.’

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, ‘I’m feeling terribly run down lately.’

‘You’ve probably been doing too much work for the Church,’ the younger doctor told her.

‘Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.’

As they left, the elder doctor said, ‘I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

‘I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.’

Apr8

ANAGRAMS FOR FUN

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ANAGRAMS FOR FUN

This has got to be one of the cleverest e-mails I’ve received so far. Someone out there must be “deadly” at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS ! NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Apr6

Just like a newborn babe

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Just like a newborn babe

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

Apr6

Problem with hearing

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Problem with hearing

An elderly gentleman had a serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will
three times!’

Apr2

Ten dollahs is ten dollahs

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Ten dollahs is ten dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know, Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.”

And every year, Martha would say “I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So one year Stumpy says, “By Jeebers, Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, and if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.”

Martha replies, “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs … and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So the pilot overhears then and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won’t charge you. But just ONE WORD and it’s ten dollars.”

They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word… so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”

And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out … but ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

Mar30

The dangers of phonetics

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The dangers of phonetics

Last Saturday, 26 March, NSW Labor Party was “routed” by the NSW Coalition in the state election. As a result, the Labor Party is now considering likely candidates to lead them as opposition. One of the candidates is newly elected MP for Blacktown John Robertson. Former PM of Australia Paul Keating is critical of Robertson.

Here is a report from a national online daily:

Mar23

Brain teaser

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Brain teaser

Here is something you can send to friends 60 or over. Simply highlight the text below and paste it in your email message box.

— start here —

1- Find the C below . do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 – Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these three tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you’re far from having a close relationship with Mr Alzheimer’s.

— end here —

Mar21

Inflight humor

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Inflight humor

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

CONTINENTAL AIRLINES

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said:

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

JAPAN AIR LINES

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.

Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

BRITISH AIRWAYS

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

QANTAS AIRWAYS

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:

“We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

NORTHWEST AIRLINES

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced;

“Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

Mar20

Why Men Wear Earrings

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Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

Mar20

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!’

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!!

Mar16

Dead and waiting to enter paradise

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Dead and waiting to enter paradise

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man: “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

Mar14

Good Samaritans

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Good Samaritans

The man in the bar was about as drunk as it’s possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, “We brought your husband home.”

The wife asks, “Where’s his wheelchair?”