DEFINITIONS :

* Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

* Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

* Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

* Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

* Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest Piece.

* Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

* Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

* Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

* Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

* Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

* Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

* Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

* Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

* Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

* Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

* Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

* Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

* Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

* Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

* Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway, “See I am not injured yet.”

* Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

* Father : A banker provided by nature.

* Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

* Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

* Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

* Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

2. I  thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band  pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of  maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

8. Two silk worms had a  race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Two  hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the  other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

11. I wondered why the  baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on  the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep Off the Grass.”

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his  grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of  religion.

17. Don’t join  dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.’

After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: ‘Which of the following is the largest?’

A) A Peanut

B) A n Elephant

C) The Moon

D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. ‘I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.’

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answer s A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!’ exclaimed Evans. ‘Darn. I think I better phone a friend.’

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!’ said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. ‘Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.’

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

‘Come on Betsy, are you sure?’ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Duh, that can’t be it.’
To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’

‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor o f answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.’

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $1,000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You only need one wallet. One color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

  A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide.                                             
                                                                         
 A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week.  An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high,    rare and expensive cactus there.  On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.                                

He finally got his cactus home.  Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres.  One evening while watering his garden  after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray.  He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it  shivered again.                                                          
                                                                        
                                                      
  He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state’s foremost cactus expert  
  who asked him many questions.  How tall is it?  Has it flowered? Etc.    

                                                                           
  Finally he asked the most disturbing question. ‘Is your family in the house?’ The bloke answered yes.  The cactus expert said get out of the  house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes.                                                     

Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner.  A fireman got out and asked ‘Are you the   bloke with the cactus?’ I am, he said.  A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and   mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the   cactus spraying it up and down.                                          

After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens  were well and truly scorched.  Just then the cactus expert appeared and  laid a calming hand on the bloke’s shoulder. ‘What the hell’s going on?’  he says. ‘Let me show you’ says the cactus man.  He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely      
  hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.                                        

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size.  When full size they release themselves.  The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They  had been ready to pop.  The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.         

And here’s what one of the b*stards looks like sitting on a FULL SIZE dinner plate…..   

 

 

 

Press the PLAY button to listen.

Let me know what you think.

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.  So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time..

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

“A pun is a phrase that deliberately exploits confusion between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect.

“A pun may also cause confusion between two senses of the same written or spoken word, due to homophony, homography, homonymy, polysemy, or metaphorical usage. Walter Redfern has said: ‘To pun is to treat homonyms as synonyms’. Another definition has said that a pun is a word that has two different meanings used simultaneously. For example, in the phrase, ‘There is nothing punny about bad puns’, the pun takes place in the deliberate confusion of the implied word ‘funny’ by the substitution of the word ‘punny’, a heterophone of ‘funny’. By definition, puns must be deliberate; an involuntary substitution of similar words is called a malapropism.

“Puns are a form of word play, and can occur in all natural languages.”

Examples of Punny Quotations

“A pun is a shift of wit. A fart is a whift of shit.”

“A pun is its own reword.” — Dance Drier, British comedian

“Blunt and I made atrocious puns. I believe, indeed, that Miss Blunt herself made a little punkin, as I called it” —Henry James

“If puns are the lowest form of wit, are buns the lowest form of wheat?” — Piers Anthony, Author

“Immanuel doesn’t pun; he Kant.” — Oscar Wilde

“In the beginning was the pun.” — Samuel Beckett, Murphy

“Paris of Troy was so named because his mother had a considerable amount of gaul and married a Frenchman.” — Original Source Unknown.

“Pun (n.): the lowest form of humour” —Samuel Johnson, lexicographer

“Puns are the last refuge of the witless.” —another way of stating the above

“The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.” — Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia, 1849

“‘The man’, says Johnson, ‘that would make / A pun, would pick a pocket!’” .” — Lewis Carroll, “Phantasmagoria”, 1869

“The pun is mightier than the word.” — original source unknown

“95% words in the English language can be incorporated into word-play (while the other 5% can be ex-pun-ged as im-pun-etrable)” — Wayne Redhart (spoof top 500 reviewer on amazon.co.uk)

“You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass.” —Douglas Adams

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Okay. Have pun!

But sometimes, I find Gmail’s advanced technology very unnerving, but funnnnny.

Have a look for example at the recent upgrade of Gmail’s mailbox space to 7055 megabytes. That’s a lot I know, but believe you me, there are those who can gobble up that much space.

But not me. But still, Google’s robot is asking if I want to upgrade from my practically zero usage to 7055 megabytes of space.

So what do you think? Should I upgrade to 7055 megabytes? Or should I tell Google’s robot to get lost!