Mar13

Proud to be from the South

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Proud to be from the South

SOME NEWS: Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life (and don’t worry so much).  

Southerner’s Medical Dictionary 

Artery…………………………. The study of paintings

Bacteria……………………… Back door to the cafeteria 

Barium………………………. What doctors do when patients die 

Benign………………………. What you be, after you be eight 

Caesarean Section………. A neighborhood in Rome  

Cat scan……………………. Searching for Kitty 

Cauterize…………………… Made eye contact with her 

Colic……………………………. A sheep dog 

Coma…………………………. A punctuation mark 

Dilate…………………………. To live long 

Enema……………………….. Not a friend 

Fester……………………….. Quicker than someone else 

Fibula……………………….. A small lie 

Impotent……………………. Distinguished, well known 

Labor Pain………………. Getting hurt at work 

Medical Staff………………. A Doctor’s cane 

Morbid………………………. A higher offer 

Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates 

Node………………………… I knew it 

Outpatient…………………. A person who has fainted 

Pelvis……………………….. Second cousin to Elvis 

Post Operative……………. A letter carrier 

Recovery Room…………. Place to do upholstery 

Rectum…………………….. Damn near killed him 

Secretion………………….. Hiding something 

Seizure…………………….. Roman emperor 

Tablet……………………….. A small table 

Terminal Illness…………. Getting sick at the airport 

Tumor……………………….. One plus one more 

Urine………………………… Opposite of you’re out

Mar13

All about marriage

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All about marriage

Fact  or fiction (you make the  call):      

1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.      

2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.      

3.  Married  life is very frustrating.       

.In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.       

.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.       

.In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbours listen..      

4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.      

5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.      

6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.      

7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.        

8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.      

9.  A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!        

10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.        

11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.

13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.

14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

15.  There  are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: 

Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Mar13

Marriage fun lines, gags and quips

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Marriage fun lines, gags and quips

1. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over  too much, fell into the well, and  drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,

“Wow! This stuff really Works!”

2. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her!

Dad: That happens everywhere, son,  EVERYWHERE!!! 

3. Last night, my wife and I  were sitting in the living room and I said to  her, ‘I  never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine  and fluid from a bottle. If that ever  happens, just pull the plug’.

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer!

She is such a  bitch!        4. The  great question… which I have not been able to answer is… what does a woman want? -Sigmund  Freud         5. “Some  people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight, dinner, soft music  and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go  Fridays.” -Henry Youngman         6. “I  don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for  two years.” -Sam  Kinison         7. “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster  than electronic  banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran   8. “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one  left me, and the second one didn’t.”  -Patrick  Murray 

9. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s  wrong. -Milton  Berle 

10. My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

Mar11

Male or Female?

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Male or Female?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Mar10

POOR BOB

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POOR BOB

Bob works hard at the shop but spends two nights each week with the guys, and works every Saturday. 

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. 

‘Oh no,’ says Bob.  ‘He’s in my bowling league’.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ’Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book…

The cabby turns around and says,’Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

Bob’s funeral will be on Saturday.

Mar9

Beware of older men

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Beware of older men

A  woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. 

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

‘About 32,’ is the reply.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the heck, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’ 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’

Mar4

40 years of marriage

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40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…..

Mar2

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY

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BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the

lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued – and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA …..

Mar2

Hypnotist at the Senior Center

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Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch.

It’s been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SHIT!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Mar2

Gotta love this doctor

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Gotta love this doctor

I love this doctor ! Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it… don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain… good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! ‘Round’ a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Feb26

THE MULE AND THE NAGGING WIFE

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THE MULE AND THE NAGGING WIFE

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Feb24

7 reasons not to mess with children

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7 reasons not to mess with children

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’. 

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’   

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’ 

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’   

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.’

Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’ 

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”Yes,’ the class said.’Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR:   

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE .. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’   

It doesn’t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too..

Feb24

Snotty Receptionist

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Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday, I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge, because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. 

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”   

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.   

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  

”NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

Aug17

Airline with a sense of humor – Part 2

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Airline with a sense of humor – Part 2

From the cockpit on KULULA.COM- South Africa’s Budget Airline. WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN’T FLY INTERNATIONALLY – WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOR – SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

——————————————————————–

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!” Read the rest of this entry →

Pages: 1 2 3
Sep19

Oxford Dictionary updates definitions

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Oxford Dictionary updates definitions

Just received Oxford Dictionary’s latest definition of the following words. lease update your online dictionary.

DEFINITIONS :

* Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

* Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

* Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

* Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

* Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest Piece. Read the rest of this entry →

Jul25

Having fun?

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Having fun?

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I  thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band  pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of  maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

8. Two silk worms had a  race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Two  hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the  other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

11. I wondered why the  baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on  the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep Off the Grass.”

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his  grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of  religion.

17. Don’t join  dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!