“A pun is a phrase that deliberately exploits confusion between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect.

“A pun may also cause confusion between two senses of the same written or spoken word, due to homophony, homography, homonymy, polysemy, or metaphorical usage. Walter Redfern has said: ‘To pun is to treat homonyms as synonyms’. Another definition has said that a pun is a word that has two different meanings used simultaneously. For example, in the phrase, ‘There is nothing punny about bad puns’, the pun takes place in the deliberate confusion of the implied word ‘funny’ by the substitution of the word ‘punny’, a heterophone of ‘funny’. By definition, puns must be deliberate; an involuntary substitution of similar words is called a malapropism.

“Puns are a form of word play, and can occur in all natural languages.”

Examples of Punny Quotations

“A pun is a shift of wit. A fart is a whift of shit.”

“A pun is its own reword.” — Dance Drier, British comedian

“Blunt and I made atrocious puns. I believe, indeed, that Miss Blunt herself made a little punkin, as I called it” —Henry James

“If puns are the lowest form of wit, are buns the lowest form of wheat?” — Piers Anthony, Author

“Immanuel doesn’t pun; he Kant.” — Oscar Wilde

“In the beginning was the pun.” — Samuel Beckett, Murphy

“Paris of Troy was so named because his mother had a considerable amount of gaul and married a Frenchman.” — Original Source Unknown.

“Pun (n.): the lowest form of humour” —Samuel Johnson, lexicographer

“Puns are the last refuge of the witless.” —another way of stating the above

“The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.” — Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia, 1849

“‘The man’, says Johnson, ‘that would make / A pun, would pick a pocket!’” .” — Lewis Carroll, “Phantasmagoria”, 1869

“The pun is mightier than the word.” — original source unknown

“95% words in the English language can be incorporated into word-play (while the other 5% can be ex-pun-ged as im-pun-etrable)” — Wayne Redhart (spoof top 500 reviewer on amazon.co.uk)

“You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass.” —Douglas Adams

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Okay. Have pun!

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.

Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.

Jack’s making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones.

King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite videoconferencing.

The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster.

Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.

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As Pope Benedict was giving Pavarotti the last rights he pressed a note into Luciano’s hand and whispered to him “This is the referral you have to give to St Peter when you get to the gates of heaven. Pavarotti duly arrived at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asked “Do you have a referral, because you cannot enter without one?”

“Yes” answered Pavarotti as he hands over the note the Pope had given him St Peter reads it and opens the gate and bids Luciano enter. As he goes through Pavarotti asks St Peter what the note said.

St Peter answers “It says, here’s that Tenor I owe you.”

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An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the woman he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposal.

He began what can only be called a “Campaign” and sent her a token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

The plan was successful too — the young lady fell in love with the delivery man.

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“A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change.” –Jay Leno

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Wife: “What are you doing?” Husband : Nothing.

Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband : “I was just looking for the expiration date.”

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Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”

Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.” Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

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“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” —Jim Bishop

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A true life account of Italian traffic:

We spent hours (seemed like) trying to stay alive while navigating the inner streets in Florence. The streets were a maze with random dead ends and one way bridges off two-way streets and motorcyclists passing on both sides. It seems there was a method to the madness though – we arrived home in New Zealand to find a traffic fine waiting for us.

We couldn’t quite make out the Italian but the photo clearly showed our little rental car driving the wrong way over one of those one-way bridges!

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It had been a very busy night on the maternity ward, with all the rooms full, and staff limited due to a nurse’s strike. In the chaos, a junior staff member helping out for the night had mixed up the identity tags of 3 newborn infants when they were brought into the nursery. As you can imagine, Matron was not happy!

Matron gathered together the 3 bleary eyed fathers (as it happened, a Kiwi, an Aussie, and a Samoan) to explain the situation. She then led the fathers into a room adjoining the nursery to identify their babies.

As soon as the 3 infants were wheeled in, the New Zealand man pounced towards the cots and picked up a very cute baby with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and dark skin, exclaiming loudly “This one’s mine!”.

Matron pulled the Kiwi dad aside and said quietly, “Excuse me sir, but we’re pretty sure this baby belongs to the Petaia family – you see he looks very much to be of Pacific ethnicity”.

To which the kiwi dad answered “Yes, yes, I can see that.

But one of those other two is Australian and I’m just not willing to take the chance.”

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A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts “Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn” (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow s * t.)

The man shouts back, “I’m English, Speak English, I don’t understand you”.

The Scotsman man shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”

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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”

Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”

Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?’”

Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”

Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?

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