The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair With his secretary.

One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!
‘I’ m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician
Commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.
‘I have something to show
You won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘ stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
She said.
‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
As he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.’
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed..
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked:
‘What’s he doing upstairs
With your wife?’
The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing
To his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying.
His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to,’ his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied.
‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

“How long will this take?”, I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Fact  or fiction (you make the  call):      

1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.      

2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.      

3.  Married  life is very frustrating.       

.In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.       

.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.       

.In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbours listen..      

4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.      

5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.      

6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.      

7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.        

8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.      

9.  A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!        

10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.        

11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.

13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.

14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

15.  There  are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: 

Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

1. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over  too much, fell into the well, and  drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,

“Wow! This stuff really Works!”

2. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her!

Dad: That happens everywhere, son,  EVERYWHERE!!! 

3. Last night, my wife and I  were sitting in the living room and I said to  her, ‘I  never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine  and fluid from a bottle. If that ever  happens, just pull the plug’.

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer!

She is such a  bitch!        4. The  great question… which I have not been able to answer is… what does a woman want? -Sigmund  Freud         5. “Some  people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight, dinner, soft music  and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go  Fridays.” -Henry Youngman         6. “I  don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for  two years.” -Sam  Kinison         7. “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster  than electronic  banking. It’s called marriage.” -James Holt McGavran   8. “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one  left me, and the second one didn’t.”  -Patrick  Murray 

9. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s  wrong. -Milton  Berle 

10. My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…..

If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what’s happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today:

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.

Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.

Jack’s making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones.

King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite videoconferencing.

The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster.

Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.

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As Pope Benedict was giving Pavarotti the last rights he pressed a note into Luciano’s hand and whispered to him “This is the referral you have to give to St Peter when you get to the gates of heaven. Pavarotti duly arrived at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asked “Do you have a referral, because you cannot enter without one?”

“Yes” answered Pavarotti as he hands over the note the Pope had given him St Peter reads it and opens the gate and bids Luciano enter. As he goes through Pavarotti asks St Peter what the note said.

St Peter answers “It says, here’s that Tenor I owe you.”

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An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the woman he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposal.

He began what can only be called a “Campaign” and sent her a token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

The plan was successful too — the young lady fell in love with the delivery man.

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“A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change.” –Jay Leno

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Wife: “What are you doing?” Husband : Nothing.

Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband : “I was just looking for the expiration date.”

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Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”

Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.” Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

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“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” —Jim Bishop

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A true life account of Italian traffic:

We spent hours (seemed like) trying to stay alive while navigating the inner streets in Florence. The streets were a maze with random dead ends and one way bridges off two-way streets and motorcyclists passing on both sides. It seems there was a method to the madness though – we arrived home in New Zealand to find a traffic fine waiting for us.

We couldn’t quite make out the Italian but the photo clearly showed our little rental car driving the wrong way over one of those one-way bridges!

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It had been a very busy night on the maternity ward, with all the rooms full, and staff limited due to a nurse’s strike. In the chaos, a junior staff member helping out for the night had mixed up the identity tags of 3 newborn infants when they were brought into the nursery. As you can imagine, Matron was not happy!

Matron gathered together the 3 bleary eyed fathers (as it happened, a Kiwi, an Aussie, and a Samoan) to explain the situation. She then led the fathers into a room adjoining the nursery to identify their babies.

As soon as the 3 infants were wheeled in, the New Zealand man pounced towards the cots and picked up a very cute baby with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and dark skin, exclaiming loudly “This one’s mine!”.

Matron pulled the Kiwi dad aside and said quietly, “Excuse me sir, but we’re pretty sure this baby belongs to the Petaia family – you see he looks very much to be of Pacific ethnicity”.

To which the kiwi dad answered “Yes, yes, I can see that.

But one of those other two is Australian and I’m just not willing to take the chance.”

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A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts “Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn” (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow s * t.)

The man shouts back, “I’m English, Speak English, I don’t understand you”.

The Scotsman man shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”

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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”

Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”

Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?’”

Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”

Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?

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