Fun & Pun » men

Men Are Just Happier People

roncc — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 12:13:03 +0000

NICKNAMES * If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman . EATING OUT *When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY *A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS * A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS * A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE * A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE * A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP * A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..

NATURAL * Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING * Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Why Men Are Never Depressed

roncc — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 00:44:02 +0000

Men Are Just Happier People –

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Now, do you wonder why we, men, are happier.

The Rat Race – Why Men Can Never Win

roncc — Tue, 24 May 2011 11:41:04 +0000

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race … you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework … you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard … there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough… you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay … this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay … you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her … that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you … its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks … its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet . .. its male indifference.

If you cry … you’re a wimp. If you don’t … you’re an insensitive b*st*rd.

If you make a decision without consulting her … you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you … she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy … that’s domination. If SHE asks you … it’s a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear … you’re a pervert. If you don’t …you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape … you’re sexist. If you don’t … you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you’re vain. If you don’t … you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers .. you’re after something. If you don’t … you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements… you’re full of yourself. If you don’t… you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache … she’s tired. If you have a headache … you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often … you’re oversexed. If you don’t … there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? Because they want to.

Why Men Wear Earrings

FandP — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 14:05:45 +0000

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

POOR BOB

roncc — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 10:13:59 +0000

Bob works hard at the shop but spends two nights each week with the guys, and works every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league’.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ’Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book…

The cabby turns around and says,’Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

Bob’s funeral will be on Saturday.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Lyn — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 07:05:05 +0000

Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures?